For what it's worth...

I figured I'd throw in what I know about the whole Michael Richards thing.

I went to my friend Saleem's place for Thanksgiving. He and I started doing stand-up together in the early 90's and I have known him ever since. Now we're both in LA and he's doing pretty well as a comic, he was on the Tonight Show not too long ago. Anyway, Saleem is black and a stand-up and he knows Michael Richards pretty well so I thought I'd ask him about it.

In his opinion, Michael Richards is not a racist but he is a very angry person and needs to get a hold of that, obviously. Saleem has seen Richards attack people worse than he did with those guys at the Laugh Factory, although not with the same words. In Saleem's opinion, Richards' worst problem is with anger.

I have heard a few people say that Richards, as an "expert" stand-up, should have been able to deal with hecklers better. The fact is, he is not an "expert" by any means. He has only been doing stand-up about two years off and on and his celebrity status has gotten him gigs beyond his abilities that actually hurt his development (even celebrity affirmative action has its perils). Saleem thought Richards was going for some Andy Kaufman-style comic provocation but, of course, Richards is not Andy Kaufman and couldn't pull it off. Also, let it be known that these guys did not, as they claim, just order drinks as instigation. They did heckle Richards for a while before he snapped. His reaction was still bad, but it wasn't totally random.

I am no particular defender of this guy. Saleem said that Richards' main thing is to get up on stage for half an hour and attack religion and anyone who happens to be religious. It sounds awful and I heard from Saleem and others, long before this, that Richards is no good as a stand-up. So for what it's worth, that's what I heard about this whole thing from a guy more in the know than most of us.

But the reaction certainly has been interesting. Everyone points out that this guy is a has-been, and he is... so why is this so important? Why is it national - international - news that a guy from a sit-com that went off in the mid-90's used racial epithets in some night club most people will never see? Because contrary to what people like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson say, this is very uncommon. So uncommon that this guy who has been out of the public eye can say "nigger" and bring down the whole world on his head. I would say that's some evidence of progress on the civil rights front that most of these race hustlers would like to deny.

And the whole Al Sharpton thing is just hilarious to me. In the press at least, he truly has been annointed king of the black people. You insult a couple of guys in a comedy club and you apologize to Al Sharpton. If you find a pen that belongs to a black guy, you can return it to Al Sharpton. If there's some black guy you hate and you want to punch him, punch Al Sharpton instead...

Hey, suddenly this king of the black people thing ain't so bad.

Actually, I am not advocating punching Al Sharpton but I do advocate ignoring this guy. Where does he get off acting as the barometer for all black racial issues in the country? His career started with a massive fraud and his tactics have never really changed. He is a race huslter who should be ignored.

Apologize to the people you insulted, Michael Richards, not this guy.

And lastly, if he pays money to these jokers it's truly the end of the First Amendment. No matter what you think about what he said, you can't get any more of a free speech argument than this.

This Baby is Amazing.

Look, and awe.

It's Official...

Dexter is the second best show on TV. (The best show, of course, is the utterly incomparable The Wire.)

Bond Movie

Just saw the new Bond prequel.

He dies in the end.

Seriously, the first hour was good; the last five or six were significantly weaker.

The Bing Lady...

is at 6th Ave. and W. 3rd St. in New York City, just in case anyone is wondering.

McSorkin's

Okay, so I've decided to post one of the sketches I wrote for my level 1 sketch writing class at the UCB (Upright Citizens Brigade) Theatre in New York. Here it is (note: "stage directions" are in red print):

MCSORKIN’S
By Bobcat

INT. MCSORKIN’S - DAY

McSorkin’s is a fast food restaurant, situated near a highway exit. Inside there are three workers, LACY, a gorgeous blonde cashier, MS. SHELLY, an older, stern-looking manager, and DAVE, a short, Jewish cook. Some customers sit inside the restaurant silently chomping away, while LACY and DAVE, now with a few moments to themselves, chat with each other.

LACY
Only thirty minutes to lunch hour.
DAVE
Only thirty minutes to lunch hour.
LACY
(beat)
Sometimes the grind of this place pushes me to the brink of sanity, where I wonder whether it makes sense for me to continue serving the customers at the breakneck pace we’re supposed to guarantee, a guarantee that’s supposed to be reciprocated by our customers with at least a “thank you”, “good job”, or even a “looks tasty.” A “looks tasty”, Dave, I’m down to a “looks tasty”, and I’m not getting it!
DAVE
Let’s walk.

DAVE and LACY leave from behind the counter and walk through their restaurant. As they walk, the camera follows them and gradually pans around them until we’re viewing them from the front as they walk out past the kitchen and out of the restaurant to the dumpster.

DAVE
They’ve got too much on their minds; they’re finding they have less money to buy the same things, their children are dying in Iraq, and they long for an America that used to exist but that doesn’t exist anywhere except in their minds.
LACY
I wish we could do something about whatever is responsible for it.

EXT. MCSORKIN’S - DAY

DAVE
We can. Because we’re the ones who’ve done it.
LACY
We’re the ones who’ve done it?
DAVE
We’re the ones who’ve done it. We’ve gotten the American public used to a stripped down, unimaginative burger processed from animals we torture and for no bang for our buck. The flavor is worse, the prices are higher, the customers’ spirits are lower, and they should be, because we’ve taken away the one island of stability they used to have in their lives.
LACY
Then we need to do what we can to bring back their spirit; we need to put the love back in the food.
DAVE
Then we need an idea; we need something new, but that also brings back the spirit of America.
LACY
Spirit of America is the spirit of ’76.
DAVE
Spirit of ’76 is Philadelphia.
LACY
Philadelphia is the home of the cheesesteak.
DAVE
The Cheesesteak burger!
LACY
The Cheesesteak burger.

INT. MCSORKIN’S – DAY

MS. SHELLY
Look, I’d love to market your burger, but it’s not as easy as you think it is. There’s first of all the problem that national products aren’t introduced by the whimsical decision of local assistant managers of franchises in Iowa.
DAVE
That’s a dodge, and you know it.
MS. SHELLY
Look, I’m not here to argue about the fundamentals of business organization or the decision-making procedures that lead to national changes. What I am telling you is that we’re a team, and I’m supposed to make decisions on a team-basis.
LACY
Your team is telling you that a change is needed.
MS. SHELLY
My team extends beyond us. It even extends beyond the borders of this store. My team is the American public, and the American public hasn’t demanded the Cheesesteak burger.
DAVE
America hasn’t demanded the Cheesesteak burger because they don’t know anymore what’s possible for them. They’re so demoralized by having things shoved down their throats and their decisions made for them that they don’t even know they’re part of the McSorkin’s team.

MS. SHELLY turns from DAVE and LACY and starts walking away.

LACY
You can’t avoid responsibility by walking away!

MS. SHELLY stops. Dramatically, she turns to face DAVE and LACY.

MS. SHELLY
I’m not walking away because I want to avoid responsibility. I’m walking away because you’re right. (beat) Let’s make this Cheesesteak burger.

EXT. MCSORKIN’S - DAY

We see a line of people stretched out until it goes off the screen.

INT. MCSORKIN’S – DAY
LACY stands at the cash register. A CUSTOMER shuffles up to the register and proudly says,

CUSTOMER
One Cheesesteak burger, please!
LACY
(Beaming) Just one?
CUSTOMER
You know what? I’ll have two; for America.
(Beat) Thanks for bringing the spirit back to my lunch hour.

LACY
(Seriously) No. (Beat) Thank you for never losing faith.

The episode ends, and we cut to scenes from next week.

NARRATOR
Next week, on McSorkin’s: Ms. Shelly finds that her decision makes her life difficult…

INT. MCSORKIN’S CORPORATE HEADQUARTERS – NIGHT
CHOATE HELMS, the evil, balding, besuited corporate overload of McSorkin’s, irately talks on the phone with MS. SHELLY while the camera tracks him pacing around his office:

CHOATE
You don’t have the authority to make the Cheesesteak burger!
MS. SHELLY
My authority does not depend on you, or Ray Croc, or even the president! My authority comes to me from my public, and if you don’t want me to do my job you can just fire me!

NARRATOR continues:

NARRATOR
… and Dave and Lacy’s romance heats up.

INT. MCSORKIN’S – NIGHT

DAVE
… I have feelings for you, too, LACY … but I can’t forgive you for over-salting the fries. (Beat) I want to; but I can’t!

BLACKOUT.

The Morality of Ordering

Sorry for the lack of posting. I have an explanation, though: I was sick, and I also didn't want to post because I was lazy. Anyway ...

"The Morality of Ordering"? That's a pretty pretentious title.

Well, "ordering" here isn't about categorization. I'm not talking about whether race is a real category or whether we should refer to people based on their gender rather based on their sex. I'm talking about ordering food.

So, I was at this place in the West Village the other day. A Chinese place, which specializes in a food that is, I think, of the owner's own invention: the bing.

The bing is like a very large, delicious pot sticker, but instead of having a wonton skin as its delicious exterior, it has a sesame-seed-studded, Charleston chew-like wrapping, concealing not just pork and scallions (like your typical pot sticker), but a wide variety of things: pork; pork and chives; pork and chinese cabbage; spicy pork; chicken; spicy chicken; red bean; taro; banana; you get the idea.

Here's a picture of the bing.

In addition to being delicious, the bing is quite store-able. You can order twenty, put them in the freezer, take one out a week later, and microwave it for two minutes. Indeed, the menu encourages you to.

So, because I've gotten to that point in my love where even moving seems like an ordeal (and don't get me started about doing stuff I don't like), I decided to order, like, twenty-two bings of all manner of flavor.

Here's the weird thing: the lady behind the counter asked me: "why you order so many bing?", and I felt guilty that I was getting them all for myself. Moreover, I think she would have said something critical to me if I had said I was ordering them all for myself. So I lied: "I'm ordering them for a party". "Oh, okay."

Problem avoided.

But why was there a problem? I mean, what's there to feel guilty about? After all, I was paying for the bings; the menu told me to order lots of them for storage; and the lady behind the counter worked for the bing shop. So why was this transaction any more charged than ordering a big mac at McDonald's?

Well, I have some explanations.

First, it would be incredibly gluttonous for me to eat twenty-two bings. Never mind it wasn't just me, but me and my lady. I mean, even at McDonald's, if someone came in there and ordered fifteen big macs, the person behind the counter would probably be judgmental. She would think, "I'll get you the big macs, fat ass", even if I wasn't fat. (But if I ordered fifteen big macs, how could I not be a fat ass? If I were The Big Show, that's how.)

Now of course, there is nothing gluttonous about eating twenty-two bings over fourteen days. You can easily eat more than two if you're hungry, and the things are only like $1 each. It's cheaper than eating frozen foods, and the cashier at the D'Agostinos never gives me lip for buying sixty frozen ravioli dinners.

But even if I say that I'm freezing them to eat over several days, the lady behind the counter doesn't know that. She doesn't know what I'm going to do with them. I could easily say that I'm buying twenty-two bings to eat over the next few weeks but really take them home and competitive eat them.* But if I say that I'm taking them home to party with, well that's festive and unselfish, so good on me.

Second, the lady behind the counter wasn't the proprieter. It doesn't matter to her whether her store makes money that night.

Third, and as for me, I felt the need to lie. Why? Because I knew she wouldn't ask me what I was doing with the bings unless she thought there was a right and a wrong answer. The wrong answer was, "personal consumption". So I made sure the good of the many outweighed the good of the few -- or the one!**

Now, lest you doubt my perception of this story, let me tell you where I get my fear of shopkeepers.

Once, I was getting food for my D&D group back in Dayton, Ohio. People asked me to get them things from the supermarket: Mountain Dew, Cheetos, iced cream, whatever. One particular badass, Keith, asked me to get him some pepperoni. "How much?" "Oh, about sixteen ounces." "You got it, Keith."

So I went to the store, and I got everybody his food without any difficulty. But when I went to the deli counter to get some pepperoni, trouble ensued.

Me: Hi, I would like some pepperoni.
Shopkeeper: How much?
Me: Oh, about sixteen ounces should do.
Shopkeeper (suddenly starting up short): Why?
Me: I have a friend who wants it, so I'm buying it for him.***
Shopkeeper (briefly thinking): ... No.
Me: What?
Shopkeeper: No. I'm not going to give you a pound of pepperoni. That's too much. I'll give you, like, six ounces.
Me: You're not going to sell me a pound of pepperoni?
Shopkeeper: No, sorry. It's too much.****

So I left the butcher, went to the cheap meats section and bought Keith two 8-ounce bags of pepperoni. In retrospect, I should have told him I was having a pepperoni party. "Pepperoni party? Oh, sure, go to town, have six pounds! Enjoy, you crazy kids!"

Anyway, the bing lady totally wouldn't have sold me the bings without my bing party idea.

*--Once I ate six hot dogs over two days. I kid you not.
**--Star Trek II.
***--In retrospect, to the shopkeeper, this "friend" might as well have been in Canada.
****--At this point I should have teed off and smacked the guy.

The Deed is Done

The old blog has been deleted (and saved onto my computer). Long live the new blog!