Superthai, Part 2: He Is Real

In my haste to write down my main findings regarding the mysterious creature known as "Mr. Sexyman", I neglected to add some other details about my hike, also important. 

1. Did I mention, for example, that he picked the lock to wife's and my room? It's true. The door had accidentally been locked from the inside before we got there, and so we couldn't open it. I don't know what he did, but he took a key--not the key to open the lock; we could have done that--and slipped it against something in the door and opened it. Not that impressive, I know, but it adds to his mystique somewhat. 

2. He's a waiter. And a very good cook. In addition to being superhuman. Not that impressive, I know, but remember, he does more besides waiter and cook. He also catches fish with his bare fucking hands. 

3. He took most of our pictures for us. I know, anyone can take pictures, but it was nice!

4. He speaks limited English. But get this: he also speaks just as limited French and German. 

5. Remember how he got no mosquito bites? Well, he also never gets bitten by leeches. His explanation? "I am too dark." 

6. Remember how he caught a chameleon with his bare hands, and it squeaked when he caught it? Well, really, the most impressive part of that is the fact that he SPOTTED. A. CHAMELEON. In fact, he spotted three, though he could only catch one. 

7. While he was catching fish, spotting chameleons, and building vine-bridges, he also smoked. Like, the whole time. Moreover, they were hand-rolled cigarettes, rolled in dried palm leaves. 

8. He honeymoons in Munich. 

9. He envied our upcoming 18-hour plane ride. His reasons: "Relax, go to bathroom, sit." 

10. After the 7 hr. 30 min. trek with wife and me, he had another trek, that night. It was a 3 hour trek. He saw some barking deer. The next morning, he had another long trek. 

11. Unsurprisingly, after our adventure with Mr. Sexyman, I had to learn more about him. So I talked to Sherry, our friendly, well-speaking English Thai. I asked her what the deal was with Mr. Sexyman. Like, what's his real name? It's not Mr. Sexyman, is it? 

Well, yes and no. The thing is, because Thais have such a thriving tourism industry, and because Thais have enormously complicated names, many of them have nicknames. For instance, Sherry's real name isn't "Sherry". It's something complicated, but it sounds vaguely like "Sherry", hence her nickname. Mr. Sexyman's real name is "Sum Ium", which means "gentleman." Naturally, he transmogrifies it to "Sexyman." 

12. It turns out that Mr. Sexyman has been working as a guide only for a year. He's a freak of nature when it comes to trekking, and he's been doing it only for a year. How the hell is that possible? 

Well, before he was a guide, Mr. Sexyman was a hunter. In fact, his father was a very good hunter, and when Mr. Sexyman was young, he lived in the rainforest with his dad. Let me repeat: since the age of five or something, Mr. Sexyman lived in the forest. That's right, Mr. Sexyman is Blanca from Streetfighter 2. 

He and his dad specialized in hunting elephants. Legend has it, in fact, that one killed a man, and he and his dad walked to Burma to kill it. It's like The Princess Bride, except the six-fingered man is an elephant. 

Eventually, though, the Thai government made hunting elephants--who are the national symbol of Thailand--illegal. So he and his dad had to close up shop. After that, he hopped from island to island, working in beach resorts. Then he ended up in Khao Sok National Park, helping steward the rainforest, along with a lot of other former hunters (only he, though walked along the jagged rocks barefoot). 

13. So that explains Sexyman's super-powers. In addition, I also learned--and I admit, the details are hazy--that he rescued some German hikers who ran out of water by cutting open the right kind of vine that happened to have potable water running through it. On another occasion, he built a make-shift tent for himself out of tree-branches in the top of a tree and slept there. 

14. During the trip, he asked us where we were going to stay when we got to Ko Samui. We said "The Library", which is where we are now (it's fantastic. One of the most luxurious hotels I've ever stayed in). He said, "No...stay at King Bungalow! Very cheap!" We said sorry, we already paid for the room. He later asked us again to stay at King Bungalow. We once again declined. Later, we asked Sherry why he was so hot for King Bungalow. Turns out he wants to work on Ko Samui. So he's got a good instinct for selling!

15. One last thing: after the trip, we were dirty, wet, and tired. We each took showers. So did Mr. Sexyman--in the river. Remember, he's a legendary monster from the rainforest.