Bullitt's Bros

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Thailand: So Thai-erd.

Well, I'm in Thailand. Writing on a computer. In their business center.

How did I get here? It's all a blur. There was some payment involved, though. Oh yes, and there was also an 11-hour flight, followed by a 30 min "break" (which consisted of my wife and me running to our gate), followed by a 7-hour flight, which collective ordeal I entitle, "The Bataan death sit."

Here's a little more detail, though: it was December 23. I turned in my grades (I'm a professor, so I have to grade stuff) and the final draft of a paper to a journal (I'm a professor, so I have to write stuff), and then, wow, it was already 6 am! I didn't sleep at all! The night before 18 hours of flying!

So wife and I were picked up at 6:30 am by a super shuttle and we found ourselves in with five Indians: a man, a woman, and three children. "So...how do you guys know each other?", I imagined myself saying. But I didn't. I also imagined myself suddenly shrieking in a Big Bird voice 40 minutes into the drive, but I didn't do that either. (One of the girl-children was sick, though. I overheard her mom ask her, "do you want to womit?" I sure didn't want her to womit. The smell of womit makes me want to womit, so if she had womited, I would have womited.)

Now, on to the flights: the first flight was a mere 11 hours. It takes 11 hours of sitting on a cramped plane for you to realize that it's actually hard work sitting on your ass. Like, I could literally feel the bed sores developing. And then, when you fly for 7 more hours, it's really like sensory deprivation. I had no idea what time it was, whether it was night or day, how many hours I'd slept, how many meals I'd missed, and so on. I did see The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, though. That movie takes an awful glib view regarding mummy-death.

I should say a couple of things right now, though: the main airport in Tokyo, which was where our layover was: not like Bladerunner. In fact, not even like Bladewalker. More like stationary butterknife. Very disappointing. I expected the flight attendants to be fighting off giant penis-monsters, and there was nothing like that at all.

The Thai airport? Made in 2006. Very glass-filled. The whole airport is made of glass and spices.

We took a cab from the airport to our hotel (the price? $30. Not as cheap as I'd hoped.). When we got to the hotel: a nice, long sleep to Erin Brockovich. She was on the TV.

The next day, we decided to hit the sites. First, though, breakfast. I got the typical Thai breakfast consisting of a salmon and cream cheese bagel, two pancakes with cherried strawberries, eggs hollandaise, papaya with lemon juice, a croissant, and dragon-fruit (like a cross between coconut and blueberries). Also, Chinese apples, I think, which are like a cross between apples and sugarcane.

Then, we went out to the Reclining Buddha. Many meters of tired Buddha. We took pictures.

After that, we went to the Grand Palace. I took a picture of a sign that said "Beware of wily strangers." Who was standing next to that sign? An armed soldier. Who was standing next to him? A wily stranger! In fact, the stranger was this wily: he stood in front of a sign that said to beware of him, next to a government official who could overhear everything he said. Now, you might think: not so wily. But you'd be wrong! Because why would a wily stranger stand in front of a sign to beware of wily strangers? Because he reversed psychologized the hell out of us! So much so, in fact, that he scammed wife and me. Here's how...

Oh, wait, I'll leave the scam to my next entry. Suffice it to say, wife and I are fine, and we're only out $1. Which is like a year's salary to these people.

Stay tuned.


  • So glad you have arrived safely. Your breaksfast sounds kinda good. and abundant. be careful. of wiley strangers. we had the usual turkey, mashed potatoes, corn, stuffing, cranberries, gravy, wine and coke. we missed you a lot and look forward to your next blog. watch your money. Much love mom.and dad. and joseph. is Shawn loving Tailand?

    By Anonymous mom, at 6:01 PM  

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