Dating

Hello all. It has been a long time since I blogged but now it is time. I have recently embarked on a new journey in dating. My goal in dating is simple: comedy. I know some people date for romantic purposes but as that hasn't worked, I am changing tactics.

I signed up for an account on a dating site called OKCupid!. My profile has pictures but is otherwise recreated for you below:

My self-summary

Girls do not like nice guys so let me make it known I am not a nice guy. On most first dates I like to get in bar fights... not with you, of course, but with some random guy who gives you the eye.

After that, as we flee from the police, I will give you a prison-tattoo to commemorate the occasion... something like a a skull with an axe in it or maybe a robot giving the finger.

Next, as we hide in the house of a terrified stranger waiting for the police helicopters to pass by, I will break down weeping because of any one of a multitude of issues... work, family, divorce, whatever. Then I will get hopelessly drunk leaving you to figure out our escape route.

Once we have escaped the roadblocks the SWAT teams have set up, we'll share a piece of pie in a roadside diner with no name. I'll try to have sex with you in the bathroom. You'll say yes or no but either way I won't call again.

If there's a second date, it will be because we were put on a reality show together. Something where, ideally, Brett Michaels is involved.

What I'm doing with my life

I spend a lot of time building my perfect post-apocalypse shelter. I used to say fallout shelter, but there's no guarantee the eschaton is coming in a blast of radiation. It could be anything that brings us over the edge... Famine, Islamic fundamentalism, Prop 8 marches, financial insolvency, my recently synthasized flesh-eating virus. The list is endless.

Anyway my shelter is pretty awesome. It has carpeted walls and a mini-fridge.

I'm really good at

Stabbing. Breaking things. Stealing from the unsuspecting. Giving cute names to non-cute things. Drinking gasoline. Screaming at God. Avoiding the detection of government. Comparing all who disagree with me to Hitler. Disappointing your parents. Phrenology. Dyspepsia. Setting glass eyes.

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me

I'm tall, 6'2"

After that they notice the robot arm, the necklace of ears, and my hawkservant Alphonso.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

The only book I read is Stalking for Dummies. A book I also wrote.

The only movie I have ever seen is Deep Throat.

The only music I listen to is clown music. You know, that tune they play when a bunch of them drive around in a little car.

The only food I eat is that which I kill for myself. And Cocoa Pebbles.

The six things I could never do without

The Internet
A robot manservant
My cloak of invisibility
A hyperspeed rocketpack
A machine that makes anything I want
Coffeemaker

I spend a lot of time thinking about

What you did, you filthy minx.

On a typical Friday night I am

Ritually gutting a goat. This is important to my religion so if we start dating, all Fridays are off the table.

The most private thing I'm willing to admit here

I think a gnome lives in my stomach and it's his crazed desires that drive me to do the evil I do. And I loved Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It's not just for girls!

You should message me if

You are looking for another chapter in your memoirs and, like all women, yours is becoming dangerously too close to something David Sedaris wrote. I will shake it up, believe that.


So that is my profile. The site also gives you little banners that describe your character... I went for maximun perviness with a touch of Republicanism because I know how girls in Los Angeles like that.

NEXT: My correspondence with women!