Mixed-Up Martial Arts

First, I have a question: does "martial" derive from Mars, Roman god of war? If so, does that mean we could also say "martian" arts? Or does "martian" only describe, y'know, little green men?

Anyway, Mark Steyn once wrote, before the 2004 election, that 'if John Kerry wins, I don't know this country', or something to that effect. Well, he ended up knowing the country, at least that year. Well, I can confidently say, I know nothing about mixed martial arts. Here's why.

First, Nick Diaz beats Gomi. That wasn't supposed to happen (apparently Pride thought so, too, as they later ruled it a "no contest"). Granted, he doesn't exactly do it in convincing fashion, but it was close (and great!), and that wasn't supposed to happen.

Next, Little Nog gets beaten by Sokoudjou, a 23-year old with, like, four fights. In twenty-three seconds. By knockout. Arguably, this can be dismissed as just luck.

Then Tim Sylvia, the 6'8" 30 year-old heavyweight champion of the UFC loses to Randy Couture, the 43 year-old former heavyweight champion. Granted, in his prime it would have been no contest: Randy would have whupped him, and convincingly. But 43 is old for fighting. Especially when you've taken a year off beforehand and when you've got a somewhat suspect chin (well, I suppose against Chuck Liddell everyone has a suspect chin). But of course, Randy beats him, soundly. No luck this time, he beat him in each of the five rounds they fought.

Finally, we come to the latest upset: Matt Serra beats Georges St. Pierre in a little over three minutes. Here's the thing: GSP was fresh off his win over Matt Hughes, who is just like Serra, except better in every way. Stronger, faster, taller, better ground game, and better stand-up. And Hughes got pnwed by GSP. GSP has great striking and great take-down defense--the perfect combination against Hughes, and more than perfect against someone like Serra. And, of course, Serra beats GSP, and he beats him in striking.

So, the next upset will come this Saturday. Matt Lindland, a 37 year-old, 6'0" 185-lb., four-times defeated fighter, is going to fight Fedor Emelianenko, the 30 year-old, 6'0", 233 lb. heavyweight champion of Pride Fighting. Fedor is indisputably the best mixed martial artist in history. So of course, Lindland is going to beat him in, oh, I don't know, 4 minutes. And he'll beat him by knocking him out with a jab.

After that: I'm knocking out Cro Cop. And then: Fred Ettish loses to ... oh, I don't know. Let's say Yates.