A Good Start

Today I woke up at 12:15--a mere thirty-three minutes before I started writing this--, which was well after Mom and Dad had woken up.

I don't know what had happened, but Mom was on the warpath.

I was in the kitchen eating breakfast, and as I was finishing it, Mom started into Dad.

Mom: Your father doesn't respect me.
Dad: He does not.
Mom: He doesn't give a shit about what I think.
Dad: I do not give a shit. I do, however, give two shits.
Mom: Just the other day, I was watching a special, and it mentioned the Muslims. And he said [she puts on a Greek accent], "they are extreme". As if I don't know that?! Whenever they say the word "Islam" he always says, "they say it means 'peace', but it does not, it means 'suppression.'"
Dad: Ida, it does not mean 'oppression'. It means 'submission'.
Mom: That's what I said!
Me: No, she said 'suppression'; not [turning to Mom] 'submission' and not [turning to Dad] 'oppression.'
Dad: Submission and suppression are not the same.
Me: She knows that, she was just mad, so she said 'suppression' instead of 'submission'. I heard her tell me that Islam means submission the other day [when she and I were at 300].
Mom: I once wrote a letter to myself. I said, "he looks like a robot."
Dad: Ida, do you know from which language 'robot' comes?
Mom: Yes! It's from a Slavic language and it means 'worker'! You didn't expect me to know that, did you?!
Dad: But which Slavic language? Bulgarian? Romanian?
Mom: Oh ... I don't know ... Bulgarian?
Dad: No. It is Czech.
Mom: That's what I thought! If you had said Czech, I would have said it! But you tried to trick me by saying Bulgarian! See, he doesn't respect me!
Me: Look, I do the same thing with my lady. I bait her all the time, it gets her mad, and it makes me laugh.
Mom: You take after your father! Why do you do it?
Me: I don't really know. I think I'm afraid of conflict, so when I'm with my lady I can start a conflict but I'm still in a safe place. But that can't be Dad's story, because he's not afraid of conflict.
Mom: Then why does he do it to me?
Me: Because you're the nearest person.
Mom: He doesn't respect me!
Me: Don't worry, he doesn't respect anyone. Me neither.
Mom: Really? Give me an example.
Me: Oh, you know, whenever we bring up Islam, he always tells me the history. [I could have mentioned as well that whenever we're driving he tells me "'red' means 'stop' and 'green' means 'go'".]
Mom: Well, he's a sadist! If he keeps this up, I'm leaving him. I'm going to go to New York and live with you.
Me: Dad, you have to stop it!!